Better in all things in 2012

I read a lot of blogs today, and am inspired. I noticed that most of those that had many followers in a way were carved around a niche, or at least a common theme or purpose somehow connected the posts and gave the blog over-all cohesiveness. Or if not, those were the ones that were so deeply creative and 'relatable' that they enable the reader to just feel the blogger. They're the type that beckon you--one with the particular interest the blog caters to--to visit again and again. Those that had already built up a sustainable number of readers also off the benefit of knowing and interacting directly with people with the same interests.

From the state of my blog, you can probably see just how far I am from achieving any semblance of the 'wow' factor that draws so many people to the type of blogs I just outlined in the first paragraph. Most of the blog posts I've posted, I'm well aware, are centered around me fully. I've come across pages in the past that mostly contained text. Such a sight instantly drives me away and makes me click the 'back' button. I reckon the same must be happening with any of the accidental traffic that this site could be garnering.

I don't know how exactly I shall become a better blogger, or how to write better to make my posts more worthy and interesting. But I'm willing to learn how. I could maybe start by adding more visuals to every post I put up, or talk about something useful that would soothe not only my vanity and need for a release but also provide the benefit of joy and utility to readers. I know that this won't be such an easy task and getting any traffic (I thank Alexandria, currently my lone subsriber:DD) and writing in such a way to sustain this traffic would require hard work.

It's the new year. Hopefully 2012 will be a harbinger of great news to this small space in cyber world.

Source of picture

Bidding adieu to by bum, old self

So, I've been pretty much a bum again for most of the Christmas break and have been doing things that I've sworn time and again to never again engage in--things I hope to put a stop to completely this new year.

I'm reminding myself that it's already the 27th and of all the books and reading materials I've brought home, only one has been read through, and not yet even completely. I've been in online meetings already, but these were obligatory, so I don't see them as leaps of resolve and determination on my part. I'll be oh so happy to let reality intrude now--my reality being too much work to do with so little time. Oh, if only it were even remotely possible for me to be 90%+ efficient when trying to finish tasks; but I take so many breaks in between, and find myself frequently going downstairs to get myself something to eat.

So this morning I've determinedly set out to study--but have not really accomplished my goals for today. And now again I've been struck with the desire to write a new post--and what with all the interesting articles that have cropped up in my reading list from the blogs I've been following--I've allocated uhm the next 30 minutes - hour to pure blogging bliss.

Sigh. Enjoy this while you can, self. Because you're about to get kicked out soon.

Hello, better me!

My Personal SWOT

Beware how this will be a VERY PERSONAL post. This is something I've written for a subject that required me to detail on my perception of my personality, including my strengths and weaknesses among others. I may edit next time--either expound or add--as it's almost 3AM already.

Personal SWOT Analysis (Check the paragraphs that follow for further illumination of my character.)

Strengths -Dogged determination to continue task(/s) until accomplished -Great with paper -Eagerness to learn and be taught -Love for marketing and brands (I read about them in my free time) -Meticulous and into details -Loves to answer Q&A -Able to do well enough when put on the spot -Resilient	Weaknesses - Poor time management -Not good enough with Photoshop -Sometimes get easily distracted and swayed by temptations -Not a confident enough public speaker -Competitive only because the people around me are
Opportunities -BA198 and BA170 classes	Threats -Distractions and irritations in dormitory including facebook, noisy roommates, non-academic books, poor lighting, a bed that beckons one to sleep -Other responsibilities that would compete with 198 for my time: other subjects, two org positions

Some highlights:

I would highlight my lack of confidence to speak in public or around many people, which often would stop me from participating in discussions. I’ve always had stage fright. But I’m here in 198 and am hopeful and determined to fight and overcome this weakness. Odd thing about me though is that when I’m put on the spot or am forced to talk and answer (i.e. during reports), I can perform reasonably well enough. I just have to get past the initial jitters from the excess adrenaline caused by my anticipation for what is to come.

Currently, I don’t think I’m competitive, innately. I’m pressured into being competitive because of all the ambitious and competitive people around me. Although I do like the thrill of recognition, and I think this and my desire to better myself each time and to learn something new and be good at it will drive me to exert my best effort for this special class.

However, for the threats, I’ve done something to address them. I’ve set up a study lamp. I know I have to force myself to considerably lessen my time in facebook. As for distracting roommates, I plan to ignore them in any way I can or leave the dorm for some establishment outside where I can study and work in peace. I need to better manage my time, and I’m learning.

Management Style:

Whenever I work with people, I like to make sure that tasks are delegated properly to each one to expedite things. I also involve myself with all the tasks everyone is set to do and feel at ease only when I know of every single thing and update with regards to the progress of all the people in the group. Also, I ask questions often and am meticulous about details. While I think this can be a good thing, I think too that too much of this can already be disruptive and only diverting. I don’t let go of an issue so easily unless I’m satisfied with the answer I’ve come up to.

What motivates me: Success; Learning; Getting recognized; Assurance from family and friends; Prayers; and more recently, failure and the need to prove people wrong

What de-motivates me: Failure which makes me doubt myself and my capabilities (for a while, although it serves to motivate and make me spring into action to better my situation)

So reader, if you've gone through this post, what do you perceive to be your strengths and weaknesses? And what are the threats and opportunities that surround you?

Reaching out for freedom

I can’t help but be overly excited about the impending semestral break because that to my tired and beaten self represents freedom. And hopefully implies success after taking all the challenges and work this semester has thrown me and surviving.

Right now, I’m studying for an exam. I still have three left, and I’m determined and hopeful of being the best student I can be so I may enjoy that short break with only thoughts and feelings of elation, and achievement. These last three exams, particularly the two accounting exams I'll still be having I just know will indelibly mark and shape those short 12 or so days.

God, help me. Help us all. 

Eager for flight, but still currently in a bind

Justice for Given

A 19-year old student from UPLB got raped and killed by a shot on the forehead—according to police reports, by two men who were security guards no less—a few days back.

I read the news from the internet, belatedly, and I’m still shaking and screaming from the inside (although silently, because I’m around people). For Grace Given, the world has ended. Why did they have to kill her, why?! They had already raped her, and it would have been very painful but she could have had a chance at life. She could have had a chance to heal from the trauma and the sickness after the incident but these two merciless guys robbed her even of that. Why, why, why?!

It maddens, drives me mad utterly, to hear about Grace’s sad, terrible fate. I read somewhere that she was a dedicated student, and even got an uno for a recent research paper. They had absolutely no right to rob her of her future, and her parents and family a dear loved one.

I’ve found myself in tears for Grace, even though I don’t know her. May God bless her soul. And may justice be served, whatever that amounts to now.

Mismatch

I feel kind of sad because I just got my first ever college 18^th birthday party invite and I won’t be able to go because I’d already be home by then. I’m sure I would love putting on a gown, a mask, anything—whatever is called for—and hanging out with the birthday girl and friends, but then. Oh well, circumstances. Circumstances.

Am I pathetic or what?

Happy birthday, friend! Here's a virtual cake for you!:)

This which can be viral

I've always been appalled at how some people could hate others with a virulence that I didn't feel warranted. I've seen people like these, and have always thought them petty. But now, I am experiencing this same thing. I hate this person and I feel warranted in my anger. And I really am just new to the feeling that in truth it's terrifying to deal with. Pardon me for this unforgivably garbled post, this might be taken some other time in the future and never see the light of the day.

Now she plays her violin. I can just feel the tense and rigid set of my jaw. I shall play my playlist and let my speakers blare out to their fullest to block her out. I just hope she's not dumb enough to realize.

A flash of my mundane everyday

I am attempting to document with this post all that's happened to me in the past two weeks. But unfortunately, I don't seem to be in the right state of mind. I've been trying to get into the zone but can't. Oh well. Suffice to say that the past two weeks have been eventful...and yes, crazy. So many things had happened. I had been afraid I wouldn't survive it. It took a lot of effort, a lot of sleepless nights, but here I am, yey thank God, alive, with just enough time to dawdle here in blogger (Or not! I still have a biology exam to study for :/ ><)

A brief summary of the multitude of events that has taken my life by storm in the past 14 days:

I took five exams. I had one report for which we had to stay overnight in a casemate's house. Miss Philippines ranked third runner-up in MU 2011. UP PEP ranked champion, again. I developed a new crush (who couldn't be more 'ill-fitting' for this position, as we don't talk at all--he happens to just be a classmate in a subject, he's not even from my own college!--and he has a long-time girlfriend who he apparently adores and loves very much!). I watched a movie for the first time in months. I bought a suit (my first, actually:p). Had karaoke and visited Timezone twice in as many nights. And the ubiquitous Facebook and Taylor Swift stalking session, and romance novel.

Acads, exams!  Source

Kotter's Eight Steps of Change, a framework we used preponderantly in our case presentation. Source

Org work and support for JPIA, beloved

And..because this is the best photo (although this new person is actually Chinese) I could find. New crush, all thanks to Dante del Rosario from the Filipina chick lit writer, Mina Esguerra's book. Source

The UP Pep Squad dancers turned Madonna, and blonde--Champs again! Sourc

Shamcey with her beautiful, engaging smile. Source

Taylor performing one of her anticipated for covers. Source

You might wonder how some of these, like Ms. Philippines placing in the MU, has actually directly affected me.  Well, when something--or rather, someone in this case--happens to pique my interest, I can start to seem to be kin to bulldog terriers in my stubbornness to not let go until I've literally exhausted all new updates about it/the person. I started following Shamcey as soon as she won the Bb. Pilipinas crown, while mainly because she's a UP graduate who happened to top the Architecture board exams the previous year, you just have to admit that she's worth stalking. I really just think her an amazing woman, as she has insofar shone in all her lfie's endeavors. And about Taylor Swift. I've stalked her forever, and do this every time I find myself online.

While I've been very busy till Friday, I've also had a very relaxing and unproductive last two days. Oh well, I haven't generally been in the mood although I know I have to get my butt moving or else the next week would again fry me to the bone. This has been the pervasive pattern with my days, sadly. I'd be so relaxed so much on weekends and end up sacrificing and losing sleep on weekdays. I really should learn to manage my time better.

Next week's agenda:

Smile and work hard! Source

                                                                                     Source

Source

Crossing my fingers that my reservation may soon arrive. Source

Oh wow! I hadn't really planned this post, but sort of just felt that the last two weeks should be documented somehow, as a testament to my surviving (despite the many inefficiencies still at handling my time) and hopefully as a reminder and motivation to work even harder and more determinedly in the future. I'm shocked, this is my first ever truly photo-heavy post. Oh well, adieu! Visit me after another momentous string of events in my otherwise normal existence, I think I may have more to say then (translation: more hellweeks ><).

THE FIRST TIME I'M RANTING OUT OF EXTREME ANGER

Pay me no notice. This is my way of expending the waves of anger rolling and curling within me so I may feel better. The reason why I hadn't posted this a status so it wouldn't attract as much attention, if any at all. I'm just here to rant.

I've never met a more hypocritical woman. And you call yourself a UP student? With your ability to see and connect only the most obvious of dots, I wonder how you even got in. Disappear off the face of the earth, will you?

-This is all I can say to a roommate who has consistently only been petty, selfish, close-minded, and has done nothing but but hurl accusations at everyone. To each her own, okay?

Picture source

Writing sentiments

Fiction was and always will be my first love. But only recently have I realized the merits and appeals to poetry. Simple words strung together in lines not quite providing the totality of that one snapshot, but letting your imagination take over, hence making the experience more personal to you, as you interpret the lines within the scope of your own biases, your experiences, and within the daily events that sum up your life.  As you can see in my previous post, I’ve just written a new one, the first I’ve ever dared to publish online. May we both continue to unravel the joys of reading the written word!

Shoo away the storm

This is uncharacteristic of me. I’ve always loved reading and writing but I haven’t come up with any interesting material for the past two years, courtesy of a changed lifestyle and a much busier schedule. But last night, something happened. It was a first. Now I know how it feels to be so unreasonably accused of something, how much degradation to one’s self it could cause. I share my dormitory room with five others, and when I arrived, two of them were in one of the beds, chatting, watching some movie. I’d had a completely exhausting day and had settled to sleep and then suddenly, about I guess an hour later, I woke to chaos, to loud screaming fits and noises. Only to be accused of something after keeping to my peace. And I’m still angry, who wouldn’t?

To the tornado who continuously wrecks my peace, pray, go away.

Well I tried to explain to you

Seeing you in tears

I tried to be kind, although I was hurt myself

But you continued being only vindictive

And I’m sorry to say

I won’t let you continue to trample on me

Because I’m not feeling guilty at all

Because I really am not

You hurl your vile accusations

I’m disappointed to see you're no better than your detestable exterior

Your selfish, uncaring attitude

Seeing no more beyond yourself

Well I’m through with you

I gave you, us, a chance

A chance perhaps of friendship, if not just cold, base civility

But you haven’t returned the favor

I’m sorry to say but

I won’t let you trample on me

Hold me responsible for things

You caused with your own stupidity

And careless behavior

Go, flit away now, don’t be the effervescent fly

I’m tired of you, all the drama, and your machinations

I tried to explain to you

And I refuse getting further scorched.

A book blog of my own (I wish. Pfft)?

Okay, I am quite aware that it already is 1 in the morning (and that my day will start early, in courtesy of our visit to the Jag&Lee office for a sale we'll be holding next month) [also, pardon me for any forthcoming grammatical mistake in this post], but I couldn't resist gushing of my activities for the past half hour or so. I've been scouring book blogs by Filipinos and all my wayward and excited thoughts and feelings so obviously convey one thing: jealousy.

There's this one particularly impressive blog, titled, 'bookmarked' whose owner may or may not be the same age as I am. I am of course amazed and stunned by the extensive efforts of these bloggers at reading, writing, and finally reviewing. I am in awe of their accomplishment (I as a book lover look favorably upon all others who cite reading as a hobby and interest, if not an obsession), and wish of course that I could credit the same to my name. But alas, what have I done in the past couple of years?! I remember reading so much, regularly in high school--from fanfictions to books obtained from booksale--and also my [puny] efforts at documenting my undertakings and showing something for my reading, be it efforts at writing stories that mostly were stunted and never saw closure, joining book sites like shelfari that I since have quitted, and the occasional attempts at blogging. But now, already in college, it's sad that I don't really have something grand to show for these efforts, especially now that my academics rightly stay on the top spot in my list of priorities.

I know too that classes would already officially start in two days and yet I've just tonight reacquired a copy of the purported masterpiece, Katherine by Anya Seton which I've also just started reading (blame amazon for all the positive and REALLY convincing reviews--so take caution if you want to avoid getting hooked to a book, especially one that's more than 500 pages long--if you still haven't been swayed already). I read through the preface and that little bit about the author of course and it's interesting to note that Seton's own father was English born, and if I understood correctly, her first time in England came about from the book's research perforce (a new word, from the book)*.

Katherine btw is the story of a woman of the same name, Katherine Swynford who according to some articles I've unavoidably skimmed over in the net (from excitement and eagerness!) soon becomes the Duchess of Lancaster (ancestor to the Tudors, including Henry VIII whose extensive philandering that resulted to two decapitations has not obviously been endeared to me and holds not my admiration (not that I know truly much about the politics of his reign of course)), but only after major trials and tribulations (eh?). I've saved pages of historical accounts of the Duchess but have so far avoided reading about more significant information.

I have every intention of finishing Katherine--and what's more, reading every word. I am set on my course and decision to savor it and enjoy it, for how long it might take. That means no cheating for me this time, ho ho ho. And I hope of course that I could post a decent review after finishing what I hope to be a very enjoyable 500plus pages.

Perhaps I could even start a book blog on my own this way (It'll take a very long time though, and have chances of speeding up only during long, completely idle breaks). As I've a quite hectic life outside of the literary sphere I enjoy languishing in for bouts of time, I could read slowly..and surely. I can still stick to an old favorite while attending to my academics and other priorities.

*Perforce - ADJ. unavoidably/as forced by circumstances (archaic/literary)
On a side note, another new word - german (not the proper noun pertaining to a nationality). ADJ. Originating from 'germain' (French)/germanus (Latin), relating to a 'beginning', a 'germ', meaning 'closely-related'. Illustration (from Katherine):

One of my nuns..is cousin-german(/cousin) to the abbot'.

Source: my much-loved Encarta Dictionary

Yearnings

These days, I often find myself yearning for privacy. I live away from home in a dormitory inside the university where I study in a quite small room that I share with three others. My teacher in my PE class today told us of her experience of passing by a woman who was talking to thin air, raging about things that she seemed to have failed to do—raging at life.

As to how she put it, my teacher felt pity for that person, even feared that this certain other was starting to have a nervous breakdown. But then I thought. It’s not that bad. I don’t know if the same can be said for others—or for that woman—but talking to myself—especially out loud—seems to have some cathartic effect on me. And I find myself longing for this, because obviously with three roommates, I only have so much privacy. I’d start off when maybe I’m depressed about something, failed to do something. I’d chastise myself for maybe not having done better, and would go on and on in this general direction for minutes. What follows then is my favorite part. I then would start consoling myself, tell myself that things would get better. That I have just to wait for it, and more importantly, work for it. I often end up feeling better, as if I had control over my life again, as if my path though still unclear has become definite.

Although I hate many of the things that I do when I’m alone—bumming myself out, spending the time away idle and being unproductive, something that in itself stresses me out—I like some others when I find myself without company—rare as I am that these days.

I think I as a person am the type who becomes restless when unable to let out her thoughts, feelings, frustrations. I sing to myself, write fluff. The books love me when I’m alone. I’ve always fared better in studying reading out the words—and it’s something that I of course have to keep in moderation given my current living arrangement. At the start of the year, as I was used to noise in my dorm room last year—one which I also shared with three other people (who were more fun and at times potential de-stressors), I played music, plugged in my headphones, and read out loud—but not too loudly. Later on my roommates complained about my being too much of a disturbance. I felt stressed about how my roommates seemed to think of me as nothing but exactly that—someone who shared the same room with them. Although we do talk sometimes, I find myself counting how many of those times actually came about with necessity, or just because we wanted to—as a tentative but eager offer for friendship.

You might be wondering as you read this, where are her friends? Surely no one could be a greater loser than a person who has no other support to speak of, no willing friends’ shoulders to lean and cry on, but herself alone to try to get herself out of the dump when the dark starts and have set in. Sure I have friends. I go out with them regularly, meet many of them everyday in classes—yes, my college friends—but still I guess while calling myself ‘reserved’ seems quite off the mark, I still am quite a private person. I long for closeness, I long for true moments spent out of the mutual want of being together and then deriving happiness from the experience, but maybe sometimes, as you’re supposed to know yourself better than anyone, it helps to go back to reflecting alone—on your own. And then you set out, connect with friends, then later replay the experience in your mind. What did you truly feel? Were you—are you—happy?

But then again, I might as well just haven’t found the right person to open more of myself out to.

Diana, the Goddess of the Hunt, Has Struck

I just fell in love. Helplessly struck straight to the heart.

But like anyone falling this hard, I am afraid. I've fallen in love with a twenty-year old series that has captured millions of other readers worldwide. I've sampled the first six books, scanned and read some of the scenes. I'm afraid because even though I still haven't completely finished the first book, I'm already quite hooked--emotionally. I care for the characters. These actually are the kinds of books I've always been after, but it makes my heart clench, reading about the pain and longing of the Frasers.

Here's an excerpt I got from Gabaldon's--the author's--site. In this, Jamie arrives in time to save Claire from being raped by her present-day husband's ancestor, a Captain Randall--one who interestingly later on, if I'm not mistaken, is revealed to actually prefer men, with a marked distinction on poor Jamie.

"You bluffed your way in with an empty gun?", [Claire] croaks hysterically.

“I was tied to that post, tied like an animal, and whipped ’til my blood ran…Had I not been lucky as the devil this afternoon, that’s the least that would have happened to me. ….[But] when ye screamed, I went to you, wi’ nothing but an empty gun and my two hands.”

Awwww. There are many such scenes in the series, most of them raw and heart-wrenching. It hurts to read, and the pace of the story can get quite slow, but these books are unlike any I've read for years now. Gabaldon writes beautifully. And bonus point, the characters--what they're like, what they have to go through--strike a chord in my heart. And so even with these, I believe I won't be letting go of the Outlander for a long, long time.

Great book finds at onread.com!

I absolutely love this site, so I thought I'd recommend it. (: